safe space
sitting with you
in the space you constructed
i can feel your attention
encroaching on me.
unprompted,
you assure me i’m safe
with reckless abandon
you assure me that we are going to be fine
you sit there and say
that i won’t be left alone
your voice quivering
with faux stability
but if i was to be honest
i’d never before
considered that possibility
“show it to me. unwrap what you’ve done”
as if i’ve packaged myself up for you
wrapped my life neatly in gold paper
a gift, from me to you
placed underneath the christmas tree
before the hearth of your receptiveness
my everything, tied up in a bow,
the shiny jewel of my past,
pressured to perfection
the medal you’re owed
just for being here
and why shouldn’t you be awarded?
you’re good!
you gave your time.
you gave me your shoulder.
i can see it in your eyes
you brace yourself for the weight
of an expertly weaved melancholic tale
one of desperation, desolation, depression
of crying into my pillow in the middle of the night
or staring at the wall at midday.
silent.
unassuming.
easily digestible.
but what happens when the joke’s not funny?
what happens when you lift me to the light
and as the amber glow flows through me
instead of what you expected:
the quiet twisting darkness of a soul yet to be saved
my benevolent rainclouds basking in the warm sunlight of your support
you find
storm clouds thrashing against one another above
red spiked tails of a hundred unhealing wounds
my blood-soaked hands desperately seeking
to quell the source of the bleeding
but the cuts are everywhere,
on everything
their jagged edges forming scarred edges
in lightning bolt slashes beneath my skin
and once you’ve weathered the hurricane
when it clears off over the horizon
how will you greet the rabid dog left behind
her jaws ripping desperately at her own patchwork tail
yelping in pain
would you ask why?
would you implore her to stop?
even worse still,
what if she bites your hand when she feeds?
eventually, she will sit docile for just long enough
for you to reach out and brush
against her skin with the back of your hand
you’ll earn her trust
you’ll offer her something of yours to eat
and in a split second,
with your arm outstretched
sympathetic smile swimming on your lips,
she’ll lunge forward,
her teeth aimed at the soft tissue of your throat.
would you flinch then?